The Confident Hindu

The Internet Hindu takes lessons from Mainstream Secular


Frustrated at constantly being labeled as an aggressive, abusive, intolerant, anti-feminist, hardcore BJP supporter and a pro-Modi stupid who chooses to be anonymous or prefers to hide under pseudonyms, the Internet Hindu (IH) reluctantly decides to take a lesson from the Mainstream Secular (MS) on sophistication, liberalism and balanced journalism. Mainstream Secular? Many popular anchors of different TV channels and Editors of various national newspapers will smoothly fit into this definition. So no names.

 

So much for the introduction. Let us listen to their conversation.

 

IH: Hi! Nice meeting you. Why do you call me Internet Hindu? There’re millions of Hindus who don’t use Internet, but still share similar views….

 

MS: Good question! First lesson in Mainstream Secularism…Dwarf your opponent in a tiny jacket so that he looks smaller than he really is. He’ll be busy wriggling out of the name. Suits you. He’ll not be breathing down your neck. You see him emerging out of the tiny jacket… throw more names…Hindu TalibanHate Factory

 

IH: I see the strategy….is that all you do to dwarf your opponents?

 

MS: Of course not! There’re other tricks as well. Interview a guy in the morning. Pose live questions of panelists in the night to him. Cut and paste the replies of earlier interview. As simple as that…and your opponent looks dumb!

 

IH: Conversely will you portray your favorites gigantic?

 

MS: Smart…true to your definition. Sure. Why not? Say, you conduct a Mid Term Opinion Poll. You find that Modi is a more popular PM candidate than Nitish. What do you do? You add a list of ‘likely’, ‘possible’, ‘probable’ , ‘plausible’ non-NDA parties who will support Nitish, but not Modi! You can also theorize that many parties from UPA combine will support Nitish and he can be a UPA PM as well! You haven’t tampered with the survey results…your integrity in tact…yet you’ve dwarfed Modi….portrayed Nitish big…

 

IH: But how do you assume all the 143 BJP MPs will support Nitish’s candidacy…will there not be a revolt in BJP?

 

MS: Typical IH! As obstinate as your BJP. See how Jaitely justifies the indefinite stalling of the Parliament for the Rs. 1.86 lakh crore coal scam. Does he realize how much legislative time is wasted? Does he know the cost of running the Parliament? Two, three days’ protest is understandable. One should not cling on to the same point, but move on…

 

IH: Is that not what many say about Gujarat riots? No proof against Modi…no verdict against him…10 years of amazing development…but you guys don’t seem to move on…

 

MS: You don’t get the point. That’s dogged pursuit- the hallmark of investigative journalism; not obstinacy…and we pursue this objective discreetly…. keep the issue on….remind the viewers and readers politely….not blatantly like you guys do…abusing all Modi bashers….

 

IH: Discreetly? I don’t understand…

 

MS: Let me explain. Suppose, the number of suicides increases in Gujarat…how would that be reported?

 

IH:………???

 

MS: ‘Suicide rate shoots up in Vibrant Gujarat’! Got it? Suppose a foolish minister of Gujarat weighs himself in blood on his birthday…? Then you report ‘In Narendra Modi’s Gujarat, minister weighed in blood’. Come to Mahipal Maderna….he is just an Ex-Rajasthan minister! Do you get the nuances of Ivy League journalism? Now let me check how much you’ve understood. How will you report Assam riots?

 

IH: Easy…’Unprecedented communal riots in Gogoi’s Assam!’

 

MS: Nahi re…you haven’t learnt. Every state is not that of the Chief Minister…only Gujarat is Modi’s. Chhattisgarh is Raman Singh’s….but Assam is just Assam. Andhra is simply Andhra…

 

IH: So just “Unprecedented communal riots in Assam”,….huh?

 

MS: Unlike social media, mainstream media owes a huge responsibility to the public. You can’t scare the public with ‘Unprecedented’ for just 21 deaths… media coverage has to be proportional to the scale and intensity of violence…

 

IH: But you apologized later for being insensitive….

 

MS: Yes I did….and displayed fairness…in the same breath, I demanded apology from my baiters also…coming back to our issue, you should drop ‘unprecedented’…

 

IH: So can I say “Communal riots in Assam kill just 21 persons”?

 

MS: This is what I hate about IHs. One, your English is bad. How can you call “communal”….it is just ethnic. Second, the tongue-in-cheek remark of ‘just 21 deaths’…you guys hold us on to our blunders….

 

IH: Pardon me for my poor English…how do you distinguish between a riot and a genocide or a pogrom?

 

MS: Simple…it depends on the State in which the violence takes place…In Delhi only riots can take place…

 

IH: Oh, I see…can you give me some other example of good English?

 

MS: Sure…if Hindus live together in certain localities in Delhi, Mumbai or Bengaluru, they practice housing apartheid…but if Muslims live together in Hyderabad, they are ghettoized… you can spice up the story by adding that in one case Muslims are not allowed while in the other they feel safe in their area…similarly if the poor Azmi-Akkhtar duo is not able to buy its fifth flat in Mumbai, it is apartheid….

 

IH: But this is not even wordplay…pure logomachy…people can see through this…

 

MS: That’s why I call you guys a swarm of bees. But we have learnt to become subtle these days. Imply something without saying so…let me give an example. If you say coup, you’re a fervid IH. We, the professionals use ‘C’ word. That’s journalism of courage couched in cowardice…I’m sorry…couched in classiness..

 

IH: But you were not so subtle in the past. The Supreme Court itself has reprimanded you for reckless reporting during 26/11 terror attack….

 

MS: I agree. That’s the problem. Had it been a poor blogger, I would have sued him…

 

IH: Now you know why I choose to be anonymous…why I prefer pseudonyms…

Do you regret your insensitive reporting?

 

MS: Next lesson in MS. You don’t regret for anything. This is judicial populism…talking too much under the garb of obiter…

 

IH: So you’ll confront the judiciary…?

 

MS: Nahi re… we’re not like you guys….we don’t fight our war… our friends will do on our behalf…they will argue that the Court does not accuse any one channel or anchor in particular; instead it accuses all the channels AS A WHOLE!

 

IH: But that doesn’t exonerate you…you’re also an anchor…your channel is also a part of the whole….you should be ashamed…

 

MS: That’s the next interesting lesson in MS…you shouldn’t be ashamed unless you’re specifically named….Sometimes the court itself obliges in this regard…for example it does not blame the PM; instead it blames the officers for not appraising him. In my primetime debate I can shut up BJP guys with this. When the verdict is not clear like this one, I have to depend on  friends to bail me out…

 

IH (looking at his watch): After one hour of discussion, I am still not convinced…I don’t agree with….

 

MS: That’s the last lesson in MS…you should never conclude…primetime debates are meant to keep the issues alive…not to close them.

 

IH: !!!!

Na

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